alotlikevegasss

im literally freezing my ass off, as always in this room
wooden flooring in a house thats one of the first buildings to be built in this town turned out not to be such a good idea afterall

the weathers miserable, the sky the dullest of greys and as i speak the rain has started to lash down, pretty heavy... i guess the whole idea of wearing a skirt tonight has went down the drain
but who am i to complain? i like this weather, although all in the comfort of my own home

anyway
so, ive known this guy, daniel, for over 14 years now... but only recently became quite close, nothing would ever happen, especially considering i have a boyfriend and dont see him that way at all, hes too much of a friend and its not like hes ugly or deformed or anything, i just dont see him that way, vice versa.

yesterday when he was completley blowing me off. i thought it was odd but left it at that, im not the type of person to make much of an effort in these kind of situations- if i havnt done anything wrong, then its not my problem- why bother?

he came online later that night and apologised, telling me he was 'trying to be a dick'
i told him i noticed and asked why?
he said kris, (one of his close friends who i also considered to be a mate) told him that he should back off from our whole friendship, or he would end up like my mate andy who got beat up last weekend by my other mate mark for trashing his house, but according to kris 'no reason at all' and that 'he would be next', complete rubbish.

going to dundee tomorrow for a gig, the guys are getting a minibus, its a 4 hour journey and plan and drinking all the way there, daniels sorting it out for me just now, itlll beeeee fuuuunnnn

today woke up with the same shit feeling
moped around the house for a while feeling sorry for myself
decided to get ready and get a bus into town to try and look for some jobs

went to harry ramsdens to see steph, and helen gave me an application form
steph had said to me before they were looking for people although i dont think shes that keen on the idea of me working there, i can see why
i dont want to go in steal her thunder

wandered for a while, looked at alot of books, bought anne rice- interview with the vampire, and i literally havent put it down... its one of those books ive always heard about and never got round to reading, im impressed

some really weird dude kept staring at me from the top of a bus window while i was waiting on a bus home, i kind of caught him looking, stared at him like what the fuck and looked away,
looked back to see he was giving me the creeeepppieessst look ever, he was in his 30s, and continued to look even though it was obvious i was uncomfortable with it, he gave me the thumbs up...? i mean seriously, who does that?!

ive thought alot today, about everything, alot of things i wont be able to change, things that seem like yesterday that are so far into the past...
i started thinking all these what ifs?
its strange but i really feel im heading down/ chosen the wrong path that was ment for me, or am i just not stable enough to handle the present or future?

i feel fucked in the head
majory fucked up
i feel like im crawling in my own skin 
terribly uncomfortable
and i just cant get content

just when i think everythings wonderful, it goes to hell and im terrified ill never get that feeling back

i went to see sean tonight, he was moving rooms... i owed his mum an apology, she came down to see me earlier, to tell me sean had been trying to get through to me all day and couldnt because the phone had been engaged
 he had "wanted to spend all day with me"
i didnt invite her in- i didnt think, and felt mega shit about it.

i was such awful company tonight, i havent felt like this is quite a while now.
i just sat there, in some sort of cosmic trance, in my own little world thinking away... but thinking about nothing in particular. that hasnt been me in months.
it was obvious something was up, i said it was just one of those days, but i think he knew something WAS up and just didnt know how to take it. i dont even know myself, i just didnt feel right.

had sex
felt shit about it
not that i didnt want to
i just feel horrible

going job hunting tomorrow, it seems like the solution to everything but its really the last thing i need to think about right now on top of everything.

i feel like i need some kind of intoxicating substance to keep me going, something, an altered state of mind seems normal, and reality is... well... to much to even think about.

a bit about me:
im half american
i literally lose everything
i have no common sense
im indesisive and i procrastinate all the time
im shit at recieving compliments
im sometimes awful in social situations
im never content
always trying to better myself
and im unreliable at most

i hate my optitians
they got my contacts in this morning, i didnt get the message until around 4 so i called to see if i could pick them up, since im going out tonight and wearing glasses is a drag, to be told i couldnt have them until i had an 'aftercare appointment'.
i was like, 'yeh but i need them for tonight can i not just pick them up and have an aftercare the next day?'

'no, no rebecca this is the third time'

then afterwards i thought to myself, i paid 50 quid for them i should bloody well be able to get them when i fucking say so.
agreed to go in tomorrow morning at 9am to collect them/ have my aftercare appt (which will basically consist of someone watching me put a contact in my eye- i think i can manage to do that all by myself correctly i am a big girl), which was a baaaad bad time decision if im going out tonight, if i dont show she will actually hunt me down and cut me up into tiny piecies, ive always hated that bitch.